Book Review- You're Wearing That?

You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars

I first read Deborah Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand, back in college for an English class.  She is a linguistics professor who has studied taped and observed conversations for her career, and has mostly focused on the way that different genders perceive different aspects of conversation. For this book, she has focused on the way that women talk to each other, specifically mothers and daughters.  She discusses the difference between the message (the actual words spoken) and the metamessage (the message behind the words spoken, either as intended by the speaker or perceived by the listener). 

This is a really insightful book about relationships between mothers and daughters. It helps to understand the relationships between mothers and daughters when we know that we see each other as reflections of ourselves. I had to laugh when I read the chapters where mothers and daughters expressed their conflict over hairstyles and clothing. It seems for some mother/daughter pairs this doesn't end at the end of the daughter's teenage years. Another aspect of the relationship dynamic is that the mothering role is of such deep and intense importance to both women that it is a source of deep emotional insecurity and need for reassurance. Mothering is a task that can never been done perfectly, yet it such a critical aspect of family life and society. Women cannot help but feel inadequate to the task, yet they deeply seek affirmation that they are doing well enough.

A couple of important things I gleaned from this book is that the reason these relationships are so intense is twofold-- because they are both important and intimate. The other important message of this book is to recognize the relationship between connection and control in mother-daughter relationships. Mothers come from a place of protection and love, and daughters tend to see that as controlling. Daughters reach out for connection and a mother's solicited advice sounds like she doesn't trust her daughter or think she can handle her own problems. These dynamics lead to problems and conflicts, yet the same dynamics also lead to reconciliation and reaching out in love. What both mothers and daughters are seeking is love, intimacy, connection, and for each to be seen for who she really is. The best way to improve communication is use humor, and to recognize the real message behind the words and respond to that in a loving way.

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Guest Blogger in Honor of President's Day

I am excited to welcome a guest writer to my blog this week in honor of President's Day.  This article was written by Joseph, a fifth grader, and my son! He has been studying Presidents at school, and selected Thomas Jefferson, our nation's third President, as his subject.

Thomas Jefferson 

By Joseph

Thomas Jefferson was born on April 13, 1743, in Shadwell, Virginia.
His parents were, Jane Randolph Jefferson and Peter Jefferson.
His father died when he was 14.
His siblings were, Jane Jefferson and Mary Jefferson who were all older than him.
When Jane Jefferson’s (his mother) cousin died, he gained 4 more siblings!
Later Jane Jefferson had another child.
He went to school when he was only 5.
The place he went to college was the college of William and Mary when he was 17.
One of the subjects he studied was law.
He was the youngest of the founding fathers.
Hr wrote the Declaration of Independence.
Only 2 of his 6 children lived to maturity.
His wife Martha died when she was 34.
He was a great musician, and when his house burned down they could only save his violin.
He ran against Benjamin Franklin to be the Minister of France, and he won!
Thomas Jefferson was the quietest of all the Founding fathers.
In a picture of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson is stepping on John Adams foot because John Adams liked to argue.
He was 57 when he became president in 1801.
He made the Louisiana Purchase which doubled the U.S.A!
His nicknames were, “Man of the People” and “Sage of Monticello.”
He was 83 when he died and was buried on July 4 1826.
His grave said, “ here was buried Thomas Jefferson the author of the Declaration of American Independence of the Virginia Statue for religious freedom and the Father of the University of Virginia.”
He served 2 terms 1801 to 1809, His vice presidents were Aaron Burr (1801) and George Clinton (1805).
He died on the 50th anniversary of The Declaration of Independence.
He died on the same day as John Adams.

Nineteen Years Ago Today

Marty proposed! When I think about it, I can still feel what I felt that day. Now we have officially been together for as long as I existed before we met. Although I can't remember what that felt like. He's too much a part of me now.

Small Talk-An observation

Coach Marty and Coach Roger

I consider myself terrible at small talk. It is not my thing, I don't really enjoy it much, although I do recognize it is important. However, my husband Marty is a pro, not just at small talk, but at using it to build real relationships.


What I have noticed is that he practices all the time. He makes friends with everyone--waiters, cashiers, neighbors, even people at drive through windows recognize his voice and know what his "order" is going to be. He befriends people by finding something in common with them and remembering things about them. Then he finds reasons to get closer to people like a common friend or a new experience together such as our kids being on the same sports team or something, or even a joke at his own expense. He is so good at quickly finding out what is really important to a person and then caring about that aspect of their lives. Because of this people tend to remember him. He runs into someone who knows him almost everywhere he goes, and he never shys away from saying hello to a friend (I do!). He calls his friends on the phone often to say, "Hi." He still has the same best friend he has had for his entire life (since they were babies).


Amazingly he can accomplish this with people of all ages and backgrounds. He reaches out and asks people for help when he needs it (for example, with a home improvement project, find out the answer to a question, or to get our piano tuned, etc.). He reconnected with his friend Roger and has now roped him into coaching football with him for the second year in a row. It really helps him with his career (as a sales rep) and has come in really handy in life when we have needed help with really important things such as medical advice and treatment.

So my strategy is to keep him close by! I talk to him ahead of time when we are going to a party and ask him to make sure to include me in conversations and not to abandon me to sit at a table by myself, especially if we are going somewhere I don't know anyone. I try to practice like he does, but I find it wears me out!

We are a good match because we are so complementary. He liked me because he did not always have to be chatty around me. He appreciated the chance to just be. I liked him because I loved the way he walks into a room and immediately fills it up with his smile and personality. He starts talking to someone, and pretty soon the whole group is gathered around listening to him. I am like a conversation condor, circling around, smiling and nodding, but secretly waiting for the conversation to move out of small talk mode and into more serious realms, and then I am ready to jump in!

Laughter is the best medicine!

This is my handsome husband, Marty. Everyone that knows my husband has probably heard a "Martinism." A Martinism is a word that Marty uses so completely out of context that it shocks a person or makes her laugh. It is fairly ironic that we ended up together because as student of the English language, I am acutely aware of grammar and usage, so I really never miss a chance to point one out. Marty is self-conscious about his Martinisms, but I find it one of his most charming qualities (after being a good kisser of course).

An example of a Martinism occured when we were both in college. His fraternity had a department-store mannequin that was dressed terribly inappropriately. My sorority friends felt sorry for the poor waif, so we kidnapped the mannequin (Lola was her name) and gave her a decent outfit, leaving a notification that we had rescued her from their neglectful care. The boys decided to get revenge and attempt to recover Lola by absconding with our president's gavel, which we used at our chapter meetings. Except the ransom note read, "We have taken your ANVIL."

I think if you want to get a response to your ransom note, you really need to properly reflect the nature of your demands.

So yesterday we were visiting a sick lady in the hospital so Marty could help to give her a priesthood blessing. My dear, sweet husband even dressed up in a suit and tie, which he normally reserves for speaking in church or for funerals (only if you were really close). Marty ever so tenderly asked this lady if she had scheduled her autopsy (he meant biopsy).

Of course when we all started laughing our heads off, he turned tomato red and almost died of embarrassment. It may be a little mean of me to post about it here on my blog, but this is a story that needs to be shared, preserved for the generations, and cherished forever.

Love you honey.