How it hits you

Grief is an interesting thing. It hits you at the oddest times. I can't help but think this is a good thing in my case because the times when it hits me hardest is when we are having the best times. I think about how much Mom enjoyed a certain kind of moment and it makes me sad that she's not there. But it has to mean that she had a life that was so full of celebrations and love. In a way it seems so unfair that all of the best moments are invaded by this painful intruder. I still am having a tough time believing that she is really gone though. I'm not really sure why, maybe so I can be mentally prepared for when it hits, but I've been keeping a kind of mental inventory of the scenarios when the grief overwhelms:

-Music, especially if I am singing. Especially even more if it is a Primary song. My mom was a Primary Chorister and a Sunbeam teacher (these are teaching assignments working with young children in the LDS church) in her heart of hearts. She had many other callings (aka church assignments) in her life, with much more responsibility and prestige, but those two are the ones she loved the most. But it doesn't have to be Primary music. The Beatles "Yesterday" just about did me in the other day.

She knew 10,000 childrens songs I bet, and seemed to have one ready for just about any subject. Some I have never heard anywhere else like, "I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a kiss on the neck."

-The bookstore. My mom loved to read even more than I do if that is possible. We had very different tastes in books in some ways, but in lots of ways they overlapped too. When I am wondering about a book I want to read, I immediately think, "I should ask Mom if she's read that one." Or if I read a good one, I want to share it with her.

-Birthdays. She made such a big deal about the grandkids birthdays. We have Henry's coming up on June 15, and it will be the first grandchild birthday without her. She came to Caroline's special birthday at the Lion House in January and I can't stand that we didn't get a picture of her with the birthday girl. She loved that party and came even though it was really hard for her because she was not feeling well. I could not have done that without her because she helped corral the girls. I'm probably going to have to start spoiling the kids myself because in the past I always counted on her to spoil them and scaled way back on presents for them myself.

-Everyday moments. Everytime I need a babysitter or someone to help with the kid driving, I immediately wonder if mom is available. She was my first choice for a person to care for my kids because she loved them and they loved being with her. Need a ride to the airport? Oh, maybe Mom can take me...oops. I don't know when that is going to stop happening and I'm not sure if I want it to or not.

From what I have heard from friends, this is a grief that you never really get over, you just learn to work with it. I have had friends tell me that their mothers have been gone for decades and they still miss them daily. I had a dream about my mom a few weeks ago that was unsettling to me. We were at a family party and she was in another room. I kept trying to get her to come into the room where I was, but she didn't want to. She was comfortable and having a good time where she was and didn't want to move. I was upset that she would not come with me, but I think the dream helped me realize that she is not far away, and that she is happy where she is. But I still want her to come be with me.