What I Have Learned About Grief (so far)

In the past three weeks since my mom died, I have had many observations about grief. I have not really made sense of it yet, but I thought I could share a few of them.

Everyone has very different reactions to tragedy and adversity, these are really just my own experiences, but I think there are some who will relate.

Having an almost two year old is a good thing. They keep you going when life gets you down.

When you are grieving, your brain doesn't work properly. It's quite debilitating. That's why it's really important to make arrangements ahead of time so that when you die, your loved ones don't suddenly have to make a lot of overwhelming decisions and make dumb mistakes about important things like editing the obituary but not accepting the tracked changes.

Sisters and brothers are really, really important. I am very grateful that I get along with mine so well. We don't agree about everything, but we do agree that we need each other and that we want the best for everyone. We have relied on each other a lot and become closer as a family which is exactly what my mom wanted us to do (she told me that a few days before she died).

Kids grieve in really different ways from adults, and in spurts. It will be a long process for my family to figure out how to have new traditions for Sunday dinners, Christmas, etc. I'm grateful we had so many with my mom.

It helps to have people around you who love you. I've had so many friends and family show their lovingkindness in so many ways. Some of the most memorable are my Dad driving up from Phoenix and spending most of a week with us. Also, my friend Anita made me a really big hankie. As she said, "There is no hankie big enough for your mother's funeral."

For me, it was helpful to speak at mom's funeral. Actually, I think my mom wrote her own funeral talk because nearly everything I used to write the talk either came from recent conversations I had with her or from her own desk. I thought I was just going to stand there and cry, but somehow I made it through with some composure. I'm pretty sure there were some loved ones there who were praying me through it.

The what-ifs are really hard to turn off. There are thousands of them, however the only real regret I have is that we did not have more time to spend together. I'm not sure there is enough time in this life. At least I had 39 years to be close to her.

Prayers are answered in really mysterious ways sometimes.

Pancakes really do make you feel better.

I really miss my mom. She's the one who got me through tough times like this. I've thought a lot about how she would have handled things herself and try to act like she would have. She was certainly not perfect, but she was a really good mom, grandma, and friend, and when it came to crisis moments like these, she could really muster a lot of wisdom, courage, and optimism.



This sounds horrible, but I would really appreciate it if everyone I know and love could die at the exact same moment I do so we can all go to heaven together.