Book Review- You're Wearing That?

You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars

I first read Deborah Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand, back in college for an English class.  She is a linguistics professor who has studied taped and observed conversations for her career, and has mostly focused on the way that different genders perceive different aspects of conversation. For this book, she has focused on the way that women talk to each other, specifically mothers and daughters.  She discusses the difference between the message (the actual words spoken) and the metamessage (the message behind the words spoken, either as intended by the speaker or perceived by the listener). 

This is a really insightful book about relationships between mothers and daughters. It helps to understand the relationships between mothers and daughters when we know that we see each other as reflections of ourselves. I had to laugh when I read the chapters where mothers and daughters expressed their conflict over hairstyles and clothing. It seems for some mother/daughter pairs this doesn't end at the end of the daughter's teenage years. Another aspect of the relationship dynamic is that the mothering role is of such deep and intense importance to both women that it is a source of deep emotional insecurity and need for reassurance. Mothering is a task that can never been done perfectly, yet it such a critical aspect of family life and society. Women cannot help but feel inadequate to the task, yet they deeply seek affirmation that they are doing well enough.

A couple of important things I gleaned from this book is that the reason these relationships are so intense is twofold-- because they are both important and intimate. The other important message of this book is to recognize the relationship between connection and control in mother-daughter relationships. Mothers come from a place of protection and love, and daughters tend to see that as controlling. Daughters reach out for connection and a mother's solicited advice sounds like she doesn't trust her daughter or think she can handle her own problems. These dynamics lead to problems and conflicts, yet the same dynamics also lead to reconciliation and reaching out in love. What both mothers and daughters are seeking is love, intimacy, connection, and for each to be seen for who she really is. The best way to improve communication is use humor, and to recognize the real message behind the words and respond to that in a loving way.

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